Thursday, March 10, 2011

Home Schooling - The Battle Of Wills - A Battle For His Future



Song:  Fleurs Du Mal

 Artist:  Sarah Brightman



I have been a Correctional Officer for almost 23 years
 (soon to retire).

We, in our profession, are keen observers of human nature.

The safety of Officers, and Inmates alike, depend
on our being able to predict actions of individuals,
and of groups, in different settings.

While, many times, we cannot predict these actions...
we must, at least, be able to see abnormal behavior of groups
and individuals (variations of the norm) as they unfold.

To do this...we must quickly assess individuals through their 
body language, intonation, verbiage...etc. in order to discern 
good, neutral, or evil intent.

I say this because, we, as human beings, are very similar in drives...
and so, in motives.

Many of the Inmates have never grown out of adolescence. 
They are perpetual short term thinkers.

They had never learned the true value of deferred gratification.

Most dropped out of school...and so, out of life.

I have seen, time and again, through their actions...
that their parents had lost the battle of wills 
with their children early in their development.

They sought to utilize the same tactics as a toddler 
would, while being toilet trained.

All many know is pure stubbornness and aggression
when faced with opposition.

Many inmates feel that the world is against them...
in essence, they are correct...partially.

What they don't realize is...
what their parents had allowed them to get away with...
others won't.

They got used to going through life by trying to plow their way
through others by force of will.

They don't realize, especially when it comes in the workplace...
that though many won't directly oppose them...
and many will allow them momentary victory...
the doors of opportunity close...
most of the time, without them realizing there 
were doors there in the first place.

They go through life, incorrectly thinking, that others
cannot discern intent in others by reading...
not only their actions, or inactions...
but their body language and speech patterns.

They are constantly being assessed in life by others...
and they are constantly being rejected in the first
few seconds of having been seen.

Attitude is often manifested in a way that others can pick up on.

This attitude is often the same one they had with their parents.

They never learned to overcome their natural urges...
as their tactics had always worked for them since childhood.

A successful tactic is one often used.
Something that is often used...
becomes habit.

A baby seeks to satisfy his needs.
All he knows is his immediate gratification urges.
He is pure... innocent... he harbors no evil intent.

We, as parents, know the need to suppress mere urges...
mere immediate gratification desires...
to achieve harmony with others...
while doing what is correct...
to achieve greater gains...
in the future.


To a child...
to constantly test the battle line...
where he can safely go without opposition...
or where, with enough effort, force his way past...
by putting up enough effort, in the short term, to gain
long term ease through the relaxation of standards...
by forcing the parent to compromise...is his ultimate goal.

For a parent to compromise standards because it is easier
for the moment...is to gain far worse testing in the future.

It is the child who must learn to adapt...
NOT the parent.

In this one vitally important lesson...
the child will become far more successful.

It is the organism that learns to adapt to his environment...
that flourishes.

A parent must know what is right...
must do what is right...
must never bow to pressures to do otherwise.

When the child becomes stubbornly wrong...
you must be even more stubbornly right.

It is when the child sees that he cannot defeat his parents...
that using whatever tactics, effort, words or action...
is an unsuccessful, and expensive, use of resources... 
that is when he starts growing as a human...
starts learning to adapt.

It is not enough to merely say no.
A parent shows how to do it right.

An example to illustrate this point:

A child refuses to put his used clothes in the hamper...
not through direct refusal...but by merely not doing it.

It is through corrective direction and follow through...
 that change comes about.

Instruct him to take his clothes off in front of the hamper
(in his room)...
it then becomes a simple matter of ease to drop them
(efficient plan).

Now... this is the important part...
after each and every clothes change...
(until the correct action becomes a habit)
check (follow through).

Consistency...
the swiftness and sureness of the correction is vital.

Should they not be in the hamper...
dump the whole contents of the hamper at his feet.

Have him pick up the entire contents of it and place it inside.

 Just having him pick up the original clothes involves no more effort
than he would have had to in the first place...
and, in his mind, there was always the chance
that you would not have caught him.

This, in his mind, is a winning tactic.

By making the effort far more expensive to not do correctly
in the first place...rather than to do correctly...
the child learns that it is a losing tactic.

Should the child refuse to pick them up...
guide his hands.

You must not allow them to win at being wrong...
EVER.

This is what being a true parent entails.
It is the true love of your child in action.

No matter the tears or heartache...
from him, or from you...
know that it is right...
and that it shall be a key
to his development.

Know also, that by starting from the beginning...
never relenting...never compromising...
it becomes easier for both.

He will know what to expect from you...
stress is kept to a minimum.

Structure through firm boundaries allows the child
to not have the ever gnawing desire to test
that which he knows shall not give.

Your child's future happiness, and well being, is at stake.

Post Note:

Now...
we as parents, no matter how hard we try...
may not always be correct...
no one owns correctness through title...
however, so long as it is not dangerous...
the child must do the action first...
then he should be able to explain why he 
thinks the action is wrong to have to do in the future...
through reason...not emotion.

Should he be right...
(what I do)
I apologize to him...
correct all future action...
and make it up with interest.

This teaches him the Concept Of Correctness regardless of status
(Critical Reasoning)...
and of the Concept Of Forgiveness
(which I shall be going more into depth on in the next article).






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